Thread:Ursuul/@comment-29771477-20180209234758

Please forgive me for this long, rambly mess.

Lemme launch right into story by telling you that there’s a groupchat called “Weesnaw” on Twitter that’s basically a fan-group for Markiplier and other things, and I was part of it for a long time. It used to be called “rEV UP THOSE FRYERS” and it was made by a woman named Kelly, who’s 19. The people there were very close until some drama happened between the bigger twitter accounts and smaller ones. But it was okay, because this guy named Peter (who’s pretty suicidal, like a decent amount of people in Weesnaw) made the new group-chat for the small accounts. It was great, and I made lots of close friends there because we had similar experiences in life and they were very supportive. But then, one day Peter unfollowed me on twitter. I was thinking that we were just starting to become friends, so thinking it wasn’t a big deal, I asked him why he unfollowed me. He didn’t respond. I got over it.

Except then, he made a tweet saying he was proud of himself for unfollowing someone for his mental health, and I said “is this me?” which is stupid, cuz it obviously was. But I wasn’t thinking, just like I wasn’t when I friendzoned Roxanne at Pride :/ So he totally flipped out. He sent me a huge paragraph saying that I was guilt-tripping him into following me back, that I made him feel bad and guilty, that I hurt him, all kinds of shit. I felt bad and actually a bit suicidal for a day, but then I started getting over it...

After a few weeks of loneliness and talking to a close friend of Peter's and mine named Trinity, I got back into the gc because Peter left it. This was because Trinity asked me what she could do to help, and I was feeling QUITE a bit anxious one day, so I said “tell Peter that I’d be willing to talk it out or stop talking to him altogether, but I really want to be back in the gc near my friends again”. I was expecting him to say no, but surprisingly he did add me back into the gc, and then he left. It felt wrong being there without him, though. Kelly also said she wanted Peter back, so I decided something needed to change. I made a separate gc for my friends, which is exactly what a different friend advised me to do. Turns out that was a terrible idea (which my gut was sort of telling me) because it made Peter "very uncomfortable and suicidal". So, he freaked out again.

He called me self-centered again and said he hadn't done anything to me, that I broke him, that his friends didn't care about him. He changed his name to "rot" and his layout to black. He asked for a list of his friends so he could cut them off, but I said no, that they do care. He was screaming at me to give it to him then, so I said something along the lines of “what did I even do to hurt you so much??”. He then said something that broke my heart: "you only care about yourself, you always make everything about you, and other people have ranted to me about you". Since my number one goal in life is basically to NOT be self-centered, and I believed him, I said "okay, I'll never talk to you again, then. Goodbye." and I blocked him. I got over it, again. I was just gonna forget about him and move on with life.

But that wasn't it. 4 days later, for absolutely no reason, he changed his main account name to "this is your fault A****", it's layout to black, his rant (like a spam) account to "you did this aysh" and the bio of his rant to "you did this". Dylan messaged me, asking what happened and I said I didn’t do anything, barely even thought about Peter that day. I said I was trying not to yell at him because it wasn’t his fault, but that I was very mad at Peter. I also messaged Peter a bit later, saying "what the fuck, Peter. what did I do this time. just tell me what you want." Peter didn't respond, just changed his name to "blood", and Dylan said he wasn't in a good mental place to help me make Peter stop, so I went to bed, knowing full well that I would be suicidal and depressed again the next day.

So I slumped through.....what day was it......last Tuesday????? feeling very suicidal. I didn’t want to do anything stupid, and since I’m a pretty un-angry person (my anger usually turns into anxiety) I decided just to report Peter several times, hoping it would get him temporarily suspended so he’d leave me alone. I told my friend Julia about it, and my friend Karina listened as I spoke. Then Brenna accidentally overheard as I was trying to update Julia, and she said she was gonna “dig for information” by talking to Peter anonymously (I didn't want that), and then Bronwyn overheard as I was trying to finish talking to Brenna, so she wanted to know the story too.....

And as I was talking to Julia and Brenna in the library, literally when I was speaking, Peter sent me something almost exactly like THIS:

"Did you really fucking report me for defending myself? I didn't do anything wrong. I wasn't fucking attacking you. I even fucking *d out your name so people wouldn’t know who you were! Plus, you dmed me first after you said you’d never talk to me again.You BROKE me, Aysha! You think that's right? You think that's fucking funny? Just leave me the fuck alone. You just hurt me and hurt me and hurt me."

(I shouldn't have deleted it so fast, because that's not quite what Peter said. Pretty damn close tho. I think it had a couple more "fucking"s)

I waited until the next day to say something to him, with a long paragraph saying that he was attacking me, that I never meant to hurt him, that I didn’t know why he kept saying I “broke” him, that I didn’t think what he did was funny at all, that I was pretty sure there was an unspoken agreement was that we’d leave each other alone, not lead “a campaign of slander” against the other, and then I finished with “I know you don’t like me, but what you’re doing isn’t okay. If you do that again, I’ll report you again. I’m blocking you now, have a nice life.” Then I blocked him. The “have a nice life” part was from Julia.

But before I blocked his rant for good, I decided to look at his tweets, which I think was a mistake. They were……awful. So awful. I saw weeks and weeks of tweets indirectly aimed at me, with pictures of my words and captions like “shut the fuck up” and “I finally blocked her, but I explained why so she’ll understand”. And ones without pictures, like “istg if aysha pulls one more thing…” and “it’s all her fault”. I felt so panicked, because I thought that I was killing him. And then I found out somehow (????) that Dylan blocked him, to which he tweeted “I always knew this would happen, like it did with Trevor (??)”, and I saw a screenshot of his account from Dylan, in response to Dylan saying “you’re hurting Aysha”: “If she can hurt me, I can hurt her too”.

A lot of his tweets scared me: “HAHAHAA I WANT TO THROW A LIVING PERSON” was one from before he blocked me. I just never realized that that tweet, that anger...was caused by me….Then there was “you’ll have to deal with what she (??!?) sends you soon, pretty girl.” And near the end (the present), there was one which was the worst of all, one that made me have a panic/anxiety/dread/shaking episode/attack (which Dylan said that I had, based on talking to me after I read it): “'''Fuck you, Aysha. I hate her. I hope she dies. I hope she literally gets shot. I wish someone would screenshot this and send it to her.'''” (except he ended his tweet a bit differently with “so that (...???), but I can’t remember the way he ended that tweet because I was shaking too much at that point).

After all that, not long ago, I blocked him for good and have been trying to forget about him and the gc permanently. I talked with Roxanne a bit (not about the situation though, I’d never tell her about that. She’s a very overprotective person, which Brenna knows), and she made me feel better. I’ve also found out that there’s a few people who were never close to Peter, so they don’t hate me or anything. So now I'm just gonna root out the good friends from the old ones (which has been working), and then I'm gonna make a gc with them and a few other people, and then I think it’ll all be okay. So yeah, that gives you an idea of what I've been going through since about mid-January. I'll give you a TL;DR section in case a) you skimmed through all that and you want a summary, b) you didn't skim through that and you want a summary, c) you read all that but you might've gotten lost and you want a summary or d) you want a summary for any other reason. Like because I talk way too much.

TL;DR: On Twitter there’s a group-chat called "Weesnaw", and I’ve been part of it for a while. It was previously called "rEV UP THOSE FRYERS", but it died because of some drama from other twitter users in it. I made a lot of good friends there, and I had a great time joking around with those people until one day, a very suicidal boy named Peter kicked me out. He was the guy who made Weesnaw after the "revies" died in the first place. I wanted to be his friend, but it turns out….he hated me. I guess the biggest reason why is because once, when he and 5 of my closest friends were suicidal, I said "please don't leave me" and that made him upset. He freaked out and blocked me after I asked why, but after a few weeks of feeling lonely and talking a bit with a close friend of Peter's (Trinity, my internet best friend Dylan’s girlfriend ), I got back in the group-chat just as Peter left it. Except the founder of the "revies" wanted Peter back, so I made a separate group-chat for my friends (and one of them said that that was a good idea). Peter didn't respond well to that, so he attacked me and hurt me a lot. I told him I'd never talk to him again to make him happy, and planned to do that until one day he changed two of his account's display names to "you did this aysh" and "this is your fault A****" (which people would know was me because Peter already tweeted about me negatively using my name a few days before). I'm pretty sure he did that because seeing my name somewhere "triggered" him. That stuff didn't fly with me, but since I'm a person who’s rarely angry, I simply reported him several times, hoping it would get him suspended so he'd leave me alone. That made him more mad though, so he attacked me again. I told my friends IRL what he did, which made a few of them pretty upset, and one of them, Julia, gave me a paper telling me what to say to him. I used a small bit of it to talk to him before I blocked him. But before I did block him, I went through all of his tweets about me, which were very disturbing. One of them said he wished that I got shot. I guess Dylan is on my side, because he defended me and then (temporarily) blocked Peter. If I can retain a handful of my old friends and make a groupchat with them and a few others, maybe this'll all end well.

Aside from that……I’ve just been feeling pretty shit in general for a while. Not as bad as my 3 week-suicidal-crippling-depression-episode in June 2017, but almost. I’ve been arguing with my parents a lot lately for a huge variety of different reasons, and in one argument my mom almost slapped me in the face. That day was the day that I tried to self-harm myself, because after that and a whole shitload of other bad things, the thing that pushed me over the edge is that I saw Roxanne and Jaxon walking home together (which they stopped doing thanks to Jaxon after he found out we were dating) one day when I couldn't, and I just couldn’t handle it and I didn’t want to start crying, so I did.....that. *sigh*

On a much happier note, though, for Valentine's Day I'm making a list of 84 reasons why I love Roxanne, for 84 days of being with her :) About a week ago, when I was sleep-deprived and love drunk, I wrote 39 of them. Jaden also recently got a boyfriend!! :D it's nice :)

Oh, and I sent you that giant wall of text to inform you about what's been going on with me, not necessarily for advice since I've already got a plan for what do going forward and an idea (sort of…) of what I did wrong with Peter. Please don't feel pressured to fix all my problems....There's just..one more thing I've been struggling with mentally a bit lately, do you think you could help? It’s specifically about me and Roxanne's relationship, because after a few days of not talking to her a lot, I feel pretty attracted to other people (mostly girls) even though I have her. It makes me feel guilty and nervous, so do you have any way of dealing with that???? I really, REALLY love Roxanne and I love spending time with her A TON, so that means I'm not unfaithful or anything, right? Should I worry about it?

Sorry for sending you quite possibly the longest wall of text on the Internet.

PS I find it hilarious that the last line of the Iron Man movie is "I'm Iron Man!!!". Me and Roxy both.

PPS is the title of the latest WU a Pewdiepie reference??

Thanks, Aysha 