Thread:Ursuul/@comment-29771477-20170822012948

My thoughts are literally so everywhere lately so I dunno what the fuck. Just....here.

1) So I was doin' alright talking to Teamerz about hormones and anger and whatever the fuck and then I was really paranoid about some stuff in my phone so I changed my password thinking it was gonna be fine and good but why the fuck did I think that. Nothing ever goes well for me when I try to take care of myself.

2) So low and behold like a day after I was feeling pretty alright and changed my password my mom totally blew up. This summer has been alright since she hadn't (hadn't) beaten me or yelled too much at all but I mean I should've known shit was gonna go down because she was already getting more and more mad at me in the mornings, saying I never listen and shit. But like, I just thought it was her usual talking out of her ass, yknow?

3) So then the day after that was when the real shit hit the fan. She was freaking out and saying all kinds of stuff that I'm too lazy and disorganized to recount well right now, but she was saying I have bad attitude and there was just no way to stop her so of course I did the worst possible option: I tried to reason with her and I told the truth about how I felt. I said I felt threatened and paranoid because I thought she would criticize me after looking through my phone, based on her past behaviour (this is not even close to exact wording though, bear with me. She said I "go back on deals" and I'm "a liar" and she wasn't gonna listen to anything I said because "I go back on my word" but I think I've explained before that the deal was I'm not having to give my parents "FULL ACCESS" to my phone, so my mom was acting all crazy like usual and when I tried to get her to "negotiate a new deal" she went even more batshit crazy and then I was gonna be late for Park n' Play and.....shit, I need to start a new section.

4) There was more craziness and yelling but after all that arguing and screaming and me pleading I was gonna be late for my second last day of Park n' Play. Through the screaming, my mom was also saying if I (here's an actual quote) "didn't change back the password [she] was gonna take [my] phone away tomorrow (this was on Thursday (but it feels like it happened forever ago)) and if [I] didn't hand it over then she was gonna call Bell and shut it off." So, y'know, after all that screaming and imagining the scenario of her going through every single tweet in my twitter feed, I basically decided that I was ready to get rid of my phone then and there, and I told her I wanted 2 mins to concentrate so I could "finish what I was doing" (I wanted to get rid of all the stuff on my phone). That was a stupid thing to ask for though, because she just kept on yelling and just as I was about to get up she decided she had enough of waiting so...

5) She beat me again. I wish I remembered it clearer but for some reason everything is just...mud. I was getting up, but so was she so I started freezing and flipping out because I didn't want today (Thursday) to be a "Aysha gets a beating" morning which was stupid because my mom had that face and tone of voice she always gets anyways. SO I was freezing and saying "please don't hit me" and "I'll go I promise" and "*crazy sobbing noises plus screech-mumbling gibberish*" and she got up and grabbed my arms and I just kind of submitted to her and she dragged me a few feet and dropped me on the ground and I was shivering and crying against the wall and she smacked me and yelled at me and smacked me maybe 2 more times and I was trying to reason with her but it just wouldn't work.

6) Then I got in the shower (after more yelling) and balled my eyes out and when I came out she freaked out because I took a 4 minute shower (BUT PEOPLE WHO AREN'T ATHLETES DON'T NEED DAILY SHOWERS ANYWAYS) and she hit me again after that (but she had a hanger at some point and I'm not sure if that's what she used then or not) and finally my grampy came so I did what I thought my dad might want me to. I worked really hard to stop breathing hard (and actually succeeded for once, I think?) and then I put on a bunch of clothes and swallowed a bunch to make my voice sound normal-ish, and then a pulled on a hat and pulled it way down my face and tried to act like I was just tired.

7) On the way to Park n' Play my grampy asked me some questions that made me uncomfortable and I lied about (I lie a lot recently) and he gave me a tissue and I just kept on saying "It'll be fine, I'm fine, it's fine, I'll get over it" and he said something like "I'm sorry you have to go through this" and then let me go, and when Groot (or Heinrich, the dude who was my mentor at the day camp) asked me if I was feeling okay I croaked "rough morning" and got pretty much left alone until I felt better later.

8) When my dad picked me up he said he was sorry and that my mom was overreacting and was wrong. But he still totally pissed me off and/or rubbed me the wrong way because he basically said I had to put Twitter and my other stuff back and start enjoying it again, or else, and told me "he wasn't sure" whether it was me or my mom's fault that stuff went the way it did and it was my fault that I deleted all my stuff. Since then some nice things happened, like having good dinners and dodie's EP getting released and going to a fun-ish party and getting the book I wanted, but it doesn't outweigh the bad. I told Jaden that I wanted to talk on Instagram (because I'm (and I was) paranoid that my mom would read our conversations and find out I'm really gay among other things) and it seems that Jaden's been "ghosting" me because she's active on social media but she hasn't been replying to stuff I sent her on Snapchat or Instagram (though I may be jumping to conclusions). That combined with me also being too paranoid to go back to slack on a regular basis is too much, so now I just don't know what to do. Meanwhile Roxanne's just texting me and liking my stuff on my new twitter account (that I'm being super careful on) like nothing's wrong at all :/

9) At least my friends are happy and my dad got another tattoo.

10) I'm still waiting for the go on the 10 minutes to talk to you thing.

No, not now.

The hours you can almost guaranteed get a hold of me are still 8 AM-11 PM EST every single day until September 5th. 