Fanon:Hesperian League

Greetings, inhabitants of the and Hesperians alike, I am , your humble servant of our almighty. Since you're here, I'm sure you have many questions about how we Hesperians are organized. How do we gather so much quickly and efficiently?

Who really makes the decisions that might or might not (yet) affect your meaningful lives?

And most of all, why do donuts have holes in them? Wait, what? Oh, stupid Minions...

Actually, the prime question is, how did all this come to be?

If you're itching to have any one of these queries answered, you've come to the right video! If not... well, stay a while. You might learn something new about the glorious cause of our lord. Let's begin!

-Sassafrexen

Introduction
As you may know, I was the first of the true Hesperian League to be created, or rather, enhanced, since I started life as a simple Sassafras. Before that, the League was little more than a numerous collection of clones of our Lord. You see, he didn't have the IE Energy to do much more than replicate himself into linked entities known as Sassafras, of which you might be if you're watching this. The fact is, in the later years, those Sassafras who were clones reproduced, with more Sassafras as their offspring, and so on. Now, genetic diversity has given rise to many varieties of the common Sassafras. If you are a common Hesperian, you are descended from one of those Sassafras. Yes, even you Legionnaires, your ancestors were enhanced with the power of IE Energy to become the most powerful fighters the Realm has ever seen! But I'm getting beside the point. The fact is, I was the first who gave the Hesperian League its beef, so to say.

Next, came the monstrosity called the "," created by that. I personally don't like what our Lord did with it, but it does its job superbly well. And then, after our Lord opened Hesperia for the first time for the Imperials to explore, he was able to trick them into gathering loads of precious IE Energy from them, later used to give rise to and, the two of which with me formed the triumvirate of the High Sassa Council. Our Lord then commissioned the, the nine of which who run around the Realm, gathering IE Energy for Hesperian glory. Well, seven, as while IE Energy is common, I must confess that certain concentrations of it are... volatile and can cause complications with enhancements, hence the fall of two to the dark side, so to speak.

This next one is somewhat unfortunate of a happening, but it turned out alright in the end. Derpii was created in my free time when I accidentally spilled a bottle of IE Energy in its liquid form mixed with Vallard waste on one of my Sassafras assistants, turning her into Derpii. While she may be an incessant liar, she's the best at spinning wild tales and spreading news of the cause of Hesperia. Then, while expanding Hesperia, which some of you might call the, we established the position of Spicyfras, the Sassafras who is deemed the spiciest of them all and acts as the public representative on the Council. Hatappy was given a spot because he was the one who discovered the use of the Hat from the. The Hat is a staple of Hesperian life, and each Hesperian owns at least one or a variation of it (it's a matter of preference if they wear it or not.) Then, we have Lauraceae, she who commands the Legion Commanders, and such is the High Commander of our. Then, we have Señor Sassaprophet. Oh, Señor Sassaprophet was a mistake. He... is mostly in charge of overseeing the IE Reserves, and making sure those lazy so-called Guardians (they weren't my idea, ask Trinovia) do their jobs. And he boisterously proclaims that he is He Who Towers In The Laughs, and that the is a mockery and a fake. We all know who came first, but I think that the latter could be converted if he would bow to our Lord. Why waste your time trying to rescue a god who's locked away in a pocket dimension somewhere when you can worship one who is already here?

The Legion Commanders? Oh, you should know who they are. They command the Legion, obviously, but they specialize in a type of Legionnaire class. It was my idea (and job, which I lovingly fufilled for my Lord) to draw them from beings across the Realm and enlighten them to our cause with IE Energy, because we had learned from the Sassa Club that the inherent high concentrations of IE Energy in common Sassafras are too volatile to enhance without unpredictable side effects and/or consequences. My apologies if that offended you, fellow Hesperians.

And that's it! This is how the Hesperian League came to be, all Hesperians united under a common cause. What is that common cause? Go on, say it with me.

TO GATHER IE ENERGY FOR OUR LORD, HIS SASSAJESTY LORD SASSAFRAS!

Now, if you want to learn in-depth about how the Hesperian League is currently laid out in terms of the power hierarchy, please proceed to the next section.

Our High Lord Sassafras
It is only appropriate, and thus perfect, to begin with he who started it all, His Sassajesty Lord Sassafras, Memelord, Sultan Of Sassafras Supremes, The One Of Yellow Eyes, The One Who Blabbers Under And OVER Hexen, The Bane of The Hexagon Disciple, The Embodiment Of Perpetual Irritation, The Spearhead Of Wasabi, The Ruler Of The Realm Of Sassafras, The King Of Cackling, He Who Was Raised By Ducks From A Young Age, The Guru of Gibberish, The Great Tan One, Sassa Club Chief, He With The Eyes In Hands, Commissioner of the Supreme Sassafras, Supreme High Overlord of His Sassajesty's Legions, Boss, The Ancestor of Legend, The Savior of Hesperians, Conqueror of the Tan Hexagons, The Primordial Gatherer of IE Energy, Eyezman, And Extraordinary Emperor Of All Things Sassafras.

Yes, we must give his full title when introducing him in a formal setting, but only the most formal of formal settings, such as here. Otherwise, he is "His Sassajesty Lord Sassafras of Hesperia" in official documents, and "Lord Sassafras" otherwise. Yes, his given name is "Lord", and his surname is Sassafras. All of us Hesperians have the surname of Sassafras, but we are free to choose what name we like. I chose "Sassafrexen", as Lord Sassafras created me in the image of the hexagon disciple,. We'll get to him in a moment.

Otherwise, there isn't much to say about our Lord, other than that he is the pinnacle of Hesperians, a highly benevolent ruler above all (who doesn't do very much these days, as his responsibilities have been divided out amongst my colleagues and I. We go to him for final decisions among disputes or for his opinion on things individually or as a group, which is often in Oculus's case because he can't decide if a pentagon has five or six sides. He's a pentagon, for Sassafras's sake. Otherwise, every time an issue comes up that we can't come in agreement to, we approach our Lord for guidance and his thoughts on the matter.)

The High Council of Hesperia (The High Sassa Council)
It is only appropriate for me to introduce myself formally. I am , His Lord's First Subordinate. I am in charge of just about anything Lord Sassafras commands me to do, which includes making his morning coffee and processing all fan mail that comes his way. "But Sassafrexen, sir, why can't those duties be regulated to other Sassafras or Sassafras Minions?" you might ask. Well, for one, you've got to be big enough to carry the coffee cup. Secondly, I owe my life to Lord Sassafras - without him, I would be a common Sassafras. I recognize that I may be a glorified secretary, but for me, there is no higher honor than being my Lord's finest servant and leading the High Sassa Council.

Oculus sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake and raiding the refrigerator, but fortunately, he doesn't see you in the shower - we have very specific IE Energy blocks for that. I personally don't like Oculus's obnoxiousness - he's a liar, but not an honest liar like Derpii. You can't trust him with anything except reporting on what he sees across both Hesperia and the Realm, sort of like a night watch guard. His ability to open portals to anywhere and everywhere gets annoying. Since he has some form of attention deficit hyperactive disorder, we have to keep an eye (or six) on him at all times. Why is he on the High Sassa Council, you ask? Lord Sassafras made it that way, and we do not question the will of our Lord, not when this decision was made long ago. Besides, despite all his shortfalls, Oculus comes up with the best ideas for things, such as interior decoration for Lord Sassafras's second and seventh living rooms and military tactics. He can also read minds, so that's a plus.

Nobody gets in and out of Hesperia without Trinovia knowing. He knows your blood pressure, body temperature, BMI, identification, and what you last ate. Trinovia is the best security or border guard we could ask for, and he's so much more. He knows secrets and locks them up tight. He can also unlock secrets from even the tightest of minds, and not to mention unlock any physical lock. However, don't knock anything of his out of place, especially his plans. His OCD means everything has to be in its place and everything has a place, or else. Trinovia meticulously creates these complicated plans of attack for Realm Parades, which we always have to narrow down. If you've lost a key or lock somewhere in Hesperia, go to Trinovia. He probably has it, considering that he's a compulsive hoarder and must grab every key he finds, but fortunately won't take from others. He's also paranoid someone will steal his keys, and Sassafras Minions have succeeded on some occasions. Needless to say, those Minions didn't last very long with angry Trinovia.

Hexen
The hexagon disciple is known by many names. Non-Hesperians call him Hexen. We call him that informally, but we Hesperians also know him as "Caretaker", "He Who Is So Spicy", "Hexy Hexy Hexy", and "Spicey Hexen", among others. But "Hexen" suffices, whereas "Spicy Hexen" will also do if one wants to make fun of him. Hexen, while he proclaims that he is not a Hesperian, is unfortunately mistaken in his roots. He is a Hesperian because Lord Sassafras made it so when he absorbed Hexen's hexagon-ness (for lack of a better word) to take the form of what we know as the common Sassafras. Therefore, all Hesperians are descended from Hexen in a way, and while we may be completely different, in our minds, he is partially responsible for giving rise to the Hesperian League, and thus we consider him a Hesperian, not by blood, but by affiliation. My constant attempts to rein him in into the cause of Hesperia have all met with failure, mostly because the Imperials (I'm talking to you, meddling tanks) keep interrupting my discussions and negotiations with Hexen and his Paramarchs. Tying Hexen up is the only way I can get him to listen to me, see? And yes, he is very, very, very spicy. Spicier than anything that we know of. Even more so than the Spicyfras, who we have deemed is the spiciest among us. The other Hesperians say I'm spicy. Yes, I am, being partially green hexagon, but Hexen is pure spiciness.

Trivia

 * This page needed to be made long ago.