Thread:Ursuul/@comment-29771477-20170903145848

1) So.......yep, I'm going to pride in two hours. I can't believe it. Woah.

2) I think....I think I'm starting to feel happy again. I don't know how that makes me feel; as I said a while ago, I'm starting to prefer being depressed over happy because happiness is too easily taken away in my situation. Either way.....things seem to be becoming clearer and I'm no longer considering suicide at all. I spent time with my grammy, saw Roxanne and Brenna this week, am seeing them both again, will see Olivia and Jaden in two days, and got along well with my dad yesterday, so now....idk, I just don't want to jump off a building anymore.

3) With that said....there's something I forgot to tell you guys.....my self-harm (or whatever I guess since I never bleed and apparently then it doesn't really count) has been getting worse. Two days after that time I scratched myself before church, I came home and scratched up my arm which has lead to me counting the days between doing it again(5). I felt.....sickly satisfied when I saw 4 small scabs on my arm the morning after that night, for the first time. I think I really need help.

4) I've also been kind of freaking out because I'm worried there's a chance I've made a horrible mistake......self-diagnosing things and stuff. I know I need some help, but like......self-diagnosis is really bad. What if I have none of the things I think I have and I'm a horrible person???? I mean, idk why me, an abused teen who constantly fantasizes about suicide, has 2 addictions and has had all the signs of an anxiety attack and nearly passed out from said episode couldn't have some form of mental problem.............

5) But back to sunshine and rainbows, I got to back to school shopping yesterday, which makes me very happy. I really do want to go back to school. This summer has been a shitshow from start to finish, and this is my first day of school where a lot has changed: I have a phone, I watch YouTube, etc etc etc. So I'm glad to go back. I have all of my supplies I need except a calculator and soon I'll be seeing teachers I haven't seen for years again. Plus, my ukelele is on the line. I have to improve my grades in various classes, or else no uke for me.

6) That's it I guess. Um.....I still think you're a genius for reworking the staff system so well. 