Thread:Ursuul/@comment-29771477-20170724153252

I am not happy. I am not well. Ohhhhh nooo. It's not that I'm depressed anymore.....it's just.....AGH why are you so STUPID, Aysha.

Extremely long story short (fuck I just can't stop talking this is gonna be long anyways) (NOPE JUST KIDDING PREPARE FOR HUGGEEEE WALL OF TEXT): I was a little bit sad for no reason yesterday (probably hormones cuz like nothing bad happened) so me and my dad were fighting a little bit, meaning I was still feeling just a little negatively when I tried to go to bed. As you probably know, tiny bit of bad feelings before bed=massive uncontrollable insomnia for me. So I was thinking and kind of planning out different scenarios in my head for different reasons, first obsessing about the pride parade then about Jaden. (Important side note: The pride parade thing is STILL driving me crazy because whether Roxanne, Jaden, Brenna, Roxanne's cousin Ada and (HOPEFULLY) me are still (supposed to be) going to it together like we planned way back in February or not will drastically impact my decision (i.e. to lie somehow or to forget about it).) So when I was thinking about Jaden I was imagining her finally pushing me to spill all my problems. In, like, THE MOST DETAILED WAY POSSIBLE, I was imagining out the scenario, word for word, us whispering in the bathroom (because there's just no way I would do that with text like I did with you, SR and co.) and I was thinking about telling her all about my mom when my brain got this BRIGHT LITTLE IDEA that it would be GOOD to remember all the times my mom hit/abused me, FOR ACCURACY. SO THEN, I was shivering and basically torturing myself trying to create a timeline of the abuse, all the way saying "and then this happened" and "fast forward to Spring" and "see my brain is so fucked up I started watching porn when I was 9" to Jaden in my elaborate story in my mind in the bathroom. I don't think you have any idea what it was like. Just, um, because I think I want you to know a little more about my um....memories, I'm gonna put the actual timeline I was imagining right here.


 * When my gramma came back into my life and my mom initially went crazy.
 * The first time(s) she hit me, only once or twice, sometimes with a comb.
 * The first time she wouldn't let me dress how I wanted to, she ripped off my shoes.
 * The time I hid in our basement for 5 hours, because I didn't like hiding in my room where I could hear her screaming.
 * Then the time she abandoned me at the bus stop because I said I wanted to go home. She told me she didn't care if the police found me and declared me missing.
 * Later that day, one of the first times she shoved me.
 * The time she dragged me out of her and my dad's bed at 2 in the morning saying she was going to call social services on me.
 * The first time she told me that she wasn't going to be afraid to take me to the hospital if she fractured my arm/whatever abuse-related injury was inflicted on me and tell them the truth.
 * The first time she got fired from a job because of her temper. She called a kid a nigger.
 * My first day of school last year, the first time I had to take retakes on picture day AND triggered a defibrillator alarm with my hair. That might sound funny, but it was because I was in a daze all day from my mom hitting me and threatening to rip up the jumper I wanted to wear that day.
 * The terrifying only time she led me up against a wall, after I told her she could move away forever if she wanted to.
 * Christmas 2015, the first time I discovered her "drug box". I was looking for a box of my candy that I had gotten and she stole it to use it for that so I caved and told my dad.
 * Later 2016, when my dad first told me that I can't tell my friends any of this.
 * Sometime after that I think I told you everything.
 * The first time she hit me after we moved, because I wouldn't take a shower fast enough. I was so afraid to get hit that I tried to squeeze myself under the bed. I also told my dad (while I was naked from the shower) that I was going to run into the street and get run over by a car when he left to drive my mom to work.
 * My first feelings of severe depression and suicidal feelings.
 * My Jazz Rehearsal that my mom didn't go to but made me cry before I left. This was also the time she started hitting me almost every month.
 * The first time I realized I was using excessive masturbation and YouTube as coping mechanisms, hand in hand.
 * Christmas 2016, which she ruined by calling me ungrateful and hitting me then too.
 * January 1st, 2017, which she ruined by hitting me yet again and ranting about her hate of trump for 7+ hours.
 * Early February, when, like, half my friends came out to me.
 * Sometime in spring when I finally came to terms that I was getting abused.
 * Shortly after or before Spring Break when I finally told Bronwyn everything.
 * April 2017, when me and Bronwyn both nearly broke down in Sex Ed because of day 4, the general abuse education day.
 * The first and only time my mom pulled out a belt on me and the only time I felt double the fear than I usually do when my mom is hitting me. She hit me 5+ times beforehand.
 * My first (although perhaps only anxiety) panic attack.
 * My second panic attack. I was blindsided by paralyzing fear on the track field and I could feel my heartbeat throughout my entire body. It was terrifying.
 * My third panic (DEFINETLY NOT anxiety) attack, in the middle of math class. When I first started trying to learn (to no success) how to ground myself.
 * Me (finally) realizing I'm definetely not straight.
 * Bronwyn trying to get me to tell Ms. Gilbertson, the resident counselling kind of teacher, everything after she started talking with her weekly because someone found out she was suicidal.
 * The first time I self harmed myself, and nearly did in the light of day.
 * Coming out to Olivia on the field the same day that Brenna and Roxanne started dating.
 * Band camp, where my anxiety and depression basically melted away for 3 days and I came out to Brenna and Roxanne.
 * The second time I self harmed myself, probably because my mom hit me again.
 * Shortly after that, coming out to Bronwyn, but in a simpler way. Also around when Brenna and Roxanne realized things weren't working.
 * Being tormented for two months over a party that I wouldn't go to, and my mom hitting me then too for not letting her turn off the computer before I saved something.
 * Three weeks of worsened depression and anxiety starting shortly after the end of school and the worst self harm yet, along with me graphically planning out and writing down how I would kill myself and succeed. I tried to talk it out here and get over it that way, but it didn't really work.
 * Today, the very first time I've recollected every single instance of abuse, suicidal incident, and other big life event having to do with my brain being a broken piece of shit.

So, in conclusion, I've learned two things: 1) I'm probably never going to tell Jade n the whole story, because it has WRECKED my brain just thinking about it, and 2) I still can't tell whether I'll ever be okay or not. Sorry for yet another ridiculously large wall of text. 