User blog:Mother Of Ships/Aysha's Letter In Rainbow

[[User:Mother Of Ships|Hello everyone. I will get straight to business: I'm leaving this wikia, and it will be for a long time, but I will return, and it will be beautiful and good (for me anyways), and bridges that have been burnt to smithereens will be built back up better than they ever were before. I will outline the reasons for my resignation in the thread and try to answer any questions or grievances that come along with this change. I apologize in advance for the longetivity of the post and my inabilty to properly use TL; DRs (and the subsequent absence of them). I will organize my points by answering pre-imagined questions.

Is there something wrong, Aysha?

Well yeah, actually, there is. Along with my resignation, I will be adressing various facts about myself that I originally tried to keep private, but have now spread to be common knowledge among certain circles here. If you have read blog, "WELCOME TO MY WORLD!", then you may have seen his little "beans spill" where he says, "Oh yeah also Aysha's life sucks", so I'll explain that. I have a very complicated life right now. You may be thinking "What are you kidding? All teenagers do.....", but there's.......a lot...to my situation. For starters, '''I have a bunch of mental illnesses. I'm really suicidal and my mood can appear to change in the blink of an eye.''' Why am I like this? Because my mom is abusive. She is addicted to marijuana, smokes, was beaten as a child, constantly verbally abuses me and my dad, and she hits me. Recently, she pulled out a belt and threatened me with it for the first time. So, I've thought about getting out of the situation, but I can't. It's hard to talk about this so openly. Days and days and weeks and weeks of my life, she abuses me constantly, and it never stops. So, um......this is my fatal flaw, the thing that affects every aspect of my personality here. I share too much because I crave the closeness that comes with it, and am constantly overly emotional from trying too hard to please people. Please, before you go in the comments and "freak out" about this, know that most of the time I can take care of myself, and my mom isn't too angry some of the time.

But there's no reason to leave now, is there?

There are a select few users of this wikia that have a general idea of why I'm leaving. Again, I will get straight to to business/the point as I want this to be as clear and concise as possible. Four days ago, I had a conflict with , a Junior Moderator at this wikia. I was in a very bad mood that day, and I was trying to poke fun at my "issues". Somehow the topic of "being messed up in the head" came up, and I started joking about being "more messed" up than 13-year-old Smg. This is partially because Smg appears to take pride in being "different" and "salty" and "a bitch". If any of this is offending her, or being too blunt, I apologize, I'm just trying to provide an accurate transcript. So, I was joking around and stuff, and I said: "Boi, I have like 4 mental illnesses" to "prove" I was more "messed up". Like I said, all jokes. Then I went and decided to search the mental illnesses and say (humourosly) whther I had them or not. I figured it was pretty funny, and I had SR laughing. But then there came a (casula, friendly) debate of whether I was "ocd" or not, and I upseted Smg.

She said something along the lines of "Y'know, it makes me sad that we live in a society where people feel the need to brag about their mental illnesses" which she later revealed was a back-handed comment towards me. She also later revealed that she also couldn't tell I was joking. So, I was offended by the comment, not because of the context, but because she didn't come out and say "Hey stop bragging" and instead said something sarcastic and "salty", per usual. The argument spiraled out of control and I got to a point where I tried to take a break but failed and '''started feeling bad again. To make myself feel better again, I made a suicide joke''' (which I shouldn't have) and said "I'll just go die now" which again upset Smg. So now that I was becoming over-emotional and oversensitized, that evolved into an argument that I should've stopped and walked away from. This led to me leaving and crying a lot that night, and again, further upsetting Smg.

We now come to the part where there is a transcript available. I, feeling much better, saw a bot that has been dead for a while in chat. I figured Smg had it still active, so I started to wonder "Wait, bots gotta be tolerated. I hope Smg isn't making chat logs again." I posted a thread on her wall the day of the argument (that was badly written) and based on the response revealing a bunch of aformentioned facts unknown to me at the time, she seemed like she wasn't angry anymore. So, I asked her some questions about the bot in chat. Unfortunately, I upset her again and she said I was spazzing in her face "AGAIN". So, I told her and to relax, said to "not be salty again" and returned to my activities. I was sitting thinking about stuff shortly when all of a sudden a message from Smg popped up on the screen saying she had went to wall and told him I was harassing her. I was pretty shocked when I heard this and started to feel bad because I know  hates being disturbed over trivial drama-related issues. I private messaged Nobel and told him I was worried and asked what to do to not make Ursuul upset. I then went to Ursuul's wall and gave him the transcript.

Later, he came to chat with Nobel and a few others (Like ) and tried to "make us stop fighting like cats and dogs". Unfortunately I was having a lot of trouble understanding a lot of Ursuul's points and thoughts. At one point he said we had to apologize or else we would lose "harv" priviledges, which I now realize was chat priviledges. I took too long trying to understand things fully, and when I first made an apology for upsetting Smg it came out half-hearted sounding when I''' really was just wanting to get along with her. I didn't understand the sitation well enough.''' So, eventually Ursuul twisted Smg's arm enough to apologize. I was stalling for time because I had to go eat dinner at my Gramma's house and she was calling me. So Ursuul asked me to apologize, and I was going to give it when I realized I had to get up and ask my Gramma for more time. This is when I said "yall are gonna lose your shit" and was about to type "I need a minute or two I have to eat dinner but I promise I'll be back and the apology is coming right up just give me a sec" or something very similar to those exact words. Unfortunately, Ursuul believed (also revealed at a later date) that "yet another conflict" would arise if I didn't apologize right that second, so he gave me a one week chat ban.

I bet a bunch of you think that leaving because of that is an overeaction. But yet another one of my flaws is being too reactive. So, a few minutes after I was banned, I decided I needed to leave, even if it was temporary. My logic that I still hold up was this: "I shouldn't be a chat mod if I can't moderate chat and be civil in it, and I shoudn't be here if I'm not a chat mod." The position of being a respected, competent staff member means a lot to me, and I worried (and still worry) that a lot of people will view me way differently after me being such a trouble maker that I needed to be barred from the chat section of our wikia just like a vandal. So, this is my decision. I need to resign. leave, and come back when I am ready and have mostly forgotten about my former duties and responsibilities. Then, like did, I will come back, re-integrate myself into the community, mend rifts, and finally, attempt to re-climb the staff ladder.

Why can't you just apologize about stuff and move on? I can, but there are still other reasons besides the ban that have made me decide to leave. I am currently absolutely swamped with school work, and my birthday is coming up, which makes me even more busy. I also feel like I have upseted too many people to blend in, even after the ban has expired, and I need to make amends at a later date. Lastly, I am holding up the Tournament of my own design by a week due to the ban, and this gives me immense guilt. It's a heart crushing feeling seeing all my friends in chat, knowing they're laughing and discussing important things, and having a good time. Most of you would never understand. So, removing myself temporarily will help with the probelm.

Can you give us exact numbers for when your coming back? Eh.........yeah, but no promises. I'm going to try to return at least a few days before my birthday, which is on March 22nd. I won't be back before the 8th, but it'll probably be later rather than earlier in that time period that I'll return.

Wait, can I still contact you?

Of course! Even though I'll be gone, I'll reply to all messages on my wall (if anyone even leaves any, lol) if I deem them important. The other place I'll definetly reply to things is on this thread (again, if people give a shit enough about me to post stuff). Otherwise though, you won't be able to reach me. That includes my talk page. Sorry.

That about wraps it up! As I said, if you need to reach me go to my. Otherwise, thanks for listening and I hope to see cool changes and cool stuff when I come back. Have an awesome day!

Somewhat regretfully,]]