Thread:Ursuul/@comment-29771477-20170826231234

The nanosecond I opened my eyes, I felt absolutely terrible. Like complete and utter shit The feeling has not gone away. The topic at "Earliteen" church was quite simply the worst one, ever. This lady interrogated and lectured us about swearing and that's literally IT. No swearing, be an ass to your friends if they swear, no saying "shoot" or "gosh" or "jeez" because that's still taking the lord's name in vain, no listening to music with swears because PEER PRESSURE, blah blah blah, bullshit bullshit bullshit. It was fucking terrible.

Then my Gramma immediately started bothering me as soon as it was over! She wanted me to cut some string for her or some stupid shit like that and when I said I didn't want to she called me lazy and laughed and giggled with her friends about me being a lazy, finnicky child. :|

Then.....I don't know what got into me, I was so pissed and since I couldn't run away or start crying I sat in the corner and scratched some lines onto my thighs for some reason. In my brain I kept going "I can keep doing this as long as there's no blood, it's not that bad, the marks will go away". So I used a safety pin I found in the craft's basket for that. Then a key.

Then luckily, I got distracted because I found out that clinking the key against a nearby lock made a good "B" sound and I started trying to play and sing a dodie song with it. But THEN, Gramma bothered me again and dumped all her stuff on me like she usually does and I had to keep track of the key so I stuffed it in her purse.

The sermon and the rest of the activities felt equally bad. I hate Gramma's SDA church.

The it got all loud and crazy like it usually does and Gramma made me shake way too many people's hands and say "Happy Sabbath" and she dragged me through her crowd of friends so she could say hi to them. Except it was a little different than usual because....

AT some points I could feel the urge to cry come and when I imagined everyone seeing my crying my heart started pumping really hard in my chest and I felt dizzy and the room was spinning a little bit; I think I was pretty close to having an anxiety attack.

Then we finally got out of there with a bunch more near-crying and now I'm sitting here with several red scratches on my left upper thigh typing this all out just because I planned to earlier. That's it I guess. 