Thread:Ursuul/@comment-29771477-20170325210738

Stuff is getting really bad at home again. Every Saturday, my mom bothers me about chores and then gets mad about "bad attitude" and flips out. I keep forgetting Saturday is doom's day, so it gets worse everytime. Mom has already failed at being a non-smoker, based on how when I went to take a shower the bathroom reeked of marijuana scent. Today is my birthday party day, but I feel absolutely miserable. I can feel the stress in my back. IT's hard to explain, but my mom keeps asking me to do simple things but she finds a way yto scream at me about whatever it is and wear me down until I "give her attitude". I suppose I should stop rambling and get to the point. The other day I watched a bunch of videos about mental illnesses, and one was 12 ways of self harm or something like that. As I thought, picking my fingers til they bleed everywhere when I'm anxious counts. But one I keep hearing about is burning. I've always thought that if people tried to burn themselves, reflexes would stop them. I felt horrible and the drug smell was getting to me. I had to go get ready after my mom screamed at me a bunch, so I got in the shower. But I couldn't stop the terrible feeling from rising up in me, even though I was alone know. I thought about the time my mom tried to whip me with her belt, and how afraid and hurt I was then, and how when I tried to run away she screamed and asked if I wanted to fight with her and I accidentally said yeah and then she probably nearly punched me in the face (I bet I'm just exaggerating). And I had all those horrible thoughts, and then out of impulse I wanted a......a release.....and I.....I turned up the shower until it was burning hot and jumped under the stream. It felt so terrible, Ursuul. I swallowed some of the water and it burned my throat, and I just kept standing under there waiting for the release, for the endorphins. I'm so messed up in the head. My reflexes kicked in and I jumped out of the water, and turned the shower off. Now I have scars......what is wrong with me.

I need help.

Now I can't stop thinking that when you hated me for those two days back when I told you about my weird futuristic dream, it was all my fault and telling you about the dream is what upset you. I should stop talking to you if I'm spoiling your mood.

I'm sorry. 