Derpii is the Fourth Subordinate of Lord Sassafras in The Extended Tale of Diep, and manager of the Blarney Archives, a library of all known and speculative events that have taken place (and likely will) in the universe of the EToD. Idea by Tacocat247 (Astra/Filly/Nameco), transcribed by Diepmon.


Derpii is a heptagonal Hesperian with heptagonal arms and hands, similar to the Polygon Disciples. She wears square-shaped glasses over her two blue eyes, and has a hairbow with red accents. Her weapon is a short staff with a tan heptagon on top, overlaid over an inverted base like a Smasher's but upside down. The heptagon has two pink crescent shapes protruding outwards from it.



Derpii before her ascension to power on the High Council.

Derpii manages the Blarney Archives, and is the final boss of the gamemode of the same name that features as such. She used to be a common Hesperian, but was handpicked by Sassafrexen to fill the position of Fourth Subordinate on the High Council of Hesperia, the ruling body directly beneath Lord Sassafras that makes large decisions that affect all Hesperians (lesser decisions are determined by the popularly elected legislature of Hesperia.) Upon taking this position, Derpii was enhanced by IE Energy (by accident, see below why) to become many times stronger and now possesses great knowledge of IE Energy and its abundance of properties, as well as being proficient in wielding it as a weapon, like all other High Councilors. The reason why she was chosen was that she was the head librarian for Aegle's largest library, which would later be consolidated underneath the Hesperian governmental facilities to function as the Blarney Archives.

Derpii is known among Hesperians as the greatest storyteller of Hesperian, with the uncanny ability to recall any sequence of events known to her from the Blarney Archives. However, she tends to embellish these stories in speech with some manner of half-truthfulness and sarcasm, often favoring one party over another, much to the mild annoyance of Sassafrexen. Speaking of Sassafrexen, he often speaks somewhat ill of her and exaggerates her negative qualities, but he still has a soft spot. However, in the texts, what's written is in a neutral format and devoid of any bias.

Her creation into her current form was a happy accident. Derpii (at that time already on the High Council) was present at one of Sassafrexen's IE Energy refining experiments, one that happened to involve radioactive gunk from Vallard Wastes. The concoction that Sassafrexen was cooking up exploded and splattered in Derpii's direction, transforming her and giving her powers similar to the other three existing High Councilors at the time.


Derpii is the final boss of the Blarney Archives, a gamemode in the Aegle region of the Realm of Sassafras centered around the history and lore surrounding Rise of Hesperia and the EToD as a whole. She is a force to be reckoned with, particularly evident by her deep knowledge of the events of the Realm since the creation of the Regian city-states and the rule of the Sons of Panzer in The Old Era. The Hesperians were able to divine much of this previously unknown history from residual IE Energy left over at the beginning of time and the great conflict between Panzer and Hesperus (Lord Sassafras's old form as a god with powers rivaling Panzer's) before the creation of The Realm up until recorded history began. Her amicable disposition doesn't hinder her power as a fearsome fighter, however.

Phase 1


Derpii preparing for battle by polishing up her staff.

Prior to all players arriving, Derpii is in the final vault, wiping her staff clean in preparation for the impending battle. When all players are in the battle room, two Sassafras Minions close the doors from the outside, beginning the battle.
"It's time for a lesson... in Hesperian history!"

  • Lunar Laser: Derpii charges up the prongs on her staff, releasing two lasers that zap a single target almost instantaneously for medium damage and Confused for 4 seconds.
  • Whirlwind Strike: Derpii winds up and spins her staff vertically once before slamming it forward onto a player, dealing high damage.
  • Double Strike: Derpii slashes her staff back and forth, dealing medium damage twice and inflicting Spiced for 3 seconds on the second strike.
  • IE Breach: Derpii holds her other hand outwards and releases a blast of unrefined IE Energy, inflicting Weakened for 5 seconds and low damage.
  • Whirling Blow: Derpii dashes into a group of players, spins around once with her staff to deal medium damage, and returns to her original position.
  • Mass Mind Control: Derpii uses IE Energy to force 4-6 players to constantly face away from her for 15 seconds.
  • Deflection: Derpii holds her staff out in front of her for 12 seconds, putting up an IE Energy barrier in front of her that blocks 80% of all ammunition, regardless of type.
  • IE Synergy: Derpii creates an invincible clone of herself at the entryway. The two dash at each other and meet in the middle before both performing Double Strike on 5 targets on the spot. The clone disappears afterwards.
  • Mind Maze: Derpii inflicts Blinded and Dazed on 8 players for 8 seconds.
  • Shadow Contingency: Derpii's glasses glint, and she vanishes for 20 seconds. Appearing at random during this time, Derpii fires off fast-moving white lasers that deal medium damage.
  • Subduing Strike: Derpii performs a leap and sweeps 2-4 players into the air before smacking them down with her staff, dealing high damage and inflicting Paralyzed for 4 seconds.
  • IE Wave: Derpii motions with her other hand in an arc, knocking back all players in a 150-degree radius in front of her 20-30 tiles but with no damage.
  • Force of Will: Derpii purges herself of all debuffs. Unlike other High Councilors (barring the Spicyfras,) Derpii is not immune to debuffs, but she will use this ability to remove them if she has 2 or more of them.
  • IE Potency: Derpii's next two melee attacks have 60% increased damage and have a 30% chance to inflict Bleeding. Signified by her staff flashing yellow.
  • Mind Snap: Derpii inflicts Broken and Stunned for 7 seconds on 2 players, followed by Panic and Fatigued for 6 seconds when the first set of debuffs ends.
  • Twirling Saw: Derpii rapidly spins around, holding her staff outwards to ram into players for high damage and medium knockback.
  • Shadow Stride: Derpii turns 80% transparent and rushes somewhere else in the room in a blur. Used if she is backed into a corner or against a wall at a certain distance.

Phase 2

EToD Supercrowndarpy

Derpii with her crown in Phase 2, "Derpette" if you will.

"You know how a lot of other Hesperians like to say something's 'spicy' if they are intrigued by it? I prefer not to use that term. Instead, you're the most piquant adversaries I've met thus far! Let's push this unit aside and move onto the midterm!"
In Phase 2 at 63% health, Derpii gains a Super Crown powerup from the NSMBUD game (New Super Mario Bros U Deluxe, what a mouthful), called an Ultra Crown, and proceeds to wreck the IE Energy out of players. In addition, her base attack power increases to 135% of the norm in this phase. However, her damage resistance is reduced to a 15% baseline, with a minimum of 5% and maximum of 20%.

New Attacks

  • Vaulting Slash: Derpii raises her staff into the air and performs a 1080-degree somersault, landing behind players and dealing high damage twice to 2-6 targets, once in the air and once when she lands
  • Clairvoyant Strike: Derpii's crown flashes pink and she swipes with her staff, dealing high damage. For each successful hit, she gains a charge of Clairvoyance, which increases the power of the next IE Energy-based ranged attack by 25% per unit. Clairvoyance can stack up to 5 times.
  • Low Slash: Derpii squats down and performs a short-range sweep on players in a 120-degree arc, inflicting medium damage and Slowed for 5 seconds.
  • Psychokinetic Blast: Derpii puts her hands together and spreads them outwards, manifesting a dense wave of IE Energy that moves rapidly outwards from its starting point, inflicting Stunned for 8 seconds on all players hit but no damage.
  • Cascading DebrIE: Derpii uses IE Energy to shake the room, causing books to fall off the shelves. These books have been infused with IE Energy, making them inflict Weakened for 2 seconds if they hit players and very low damage (~1 HP's worth, not really much.)
  • Kinetic Ward: Derpii sets up a ring of 15 IE Energy balls that rotates around her. For the next 60 seconds, each attack that would do more than 100 damage to her in a single hit will be absorbed by one of these balls and deal no damage instead. Derpii will often refresh Kinetic Ward if the number of charges remaining is less than 5.
  • Slow Time: Derpii slows time in an area around her, inflicting Slowed on all players within a 15 tile radius for 12 seconds, as well as Spiced and Weakened for 15 seconds.
  • IE Pull: Derpii uses her staff like a gravity gun, forcibly pulling 4-8 players in and smashing them upwards into the ceiling, dealing high damage and medium fall damage afterwards.
  • Hesperian Distribution Strike: Derpii slashes a massive IE Energy beam across the room, totaling up players' health and redistributing it among them; players with lower health than the average totaled will be healed, and vice versa for those with higher health. Rarely used.
  • Squelching Strike: Derpii crushes 2-5 targets with IE Energy at range, inflicting Bleeding for 7 seconds and increasing damage over time for 12 seconds.
  • Severing Balance: Derpii inflicts Paralyzed on 10 players, deals damage equal to 1/8th of their max health, and heals herself for that amount. Rarely used.

Phase 3

EToD Supercrowndarpy2

Big crown, even bigger staff in Phase 3.

"It's time to turn the tables and rewrite the outcome of this battle! Time for your final exam!"
In Phase 3 at 34% health, Derpii gains a new set of attacks that vary in power and effects, as well as adopting a more tanky form. Her staff enlargens in size, enabling her to deal 175% of her normal base damage with melee attacks only.

Derpii doesn't gain any new attacks in this phase; instead, some of her existing attacks are buffed with some manner of additional effect or power boost. She also gains the below passive:

  • Combat Technique: All of Derpii's attacks have a chance of inflicting very low damage once in addition to their base damage. Additionally, Derpii's outgoing ranged damage decreases by 45% (down from 135% to 90%), but her damage reduction is increased to 45% (from 15%, with a 25% minimum and 75% maximum under Broken and Armored respectively.)

Modified Attacks

  • IE Wave II: The knockback effect is 25% stronger; it also deals low damage and inflicts Stunned for 4 seconds.
  • Clairvoyant Strike II: Derpii now builds two charges of Clairvoyance for each successful hit, which can now stack up to 8 times.
  • Psychokinetic Blast II: Derpii automatically purges herself of all debuffs and gains 150% increased base movement speed for 15 seconds after using this attack.
  • Whirling Blow II & Low Slash II: Now inflict Broken on hit for 5 seconds, as well as hitting 15% harder (before debuffs are applied.)
  • Squelching Strike II: Derpii's movement speed decreases by 30% after using this attack, but it can target up to 7 players in return.
  • Shadow Stride II: Derpii gains Armored for 8 seconds after using this ability, as well as healing herself for 200 health.
  • Mind Maze II: The Blinded and Dazed effect can now be mitigated if players attack each other to remove the debuffs, but at the cost of 25% of the actual damage and Stunned for 2 seconds.
  • Cascading DebrIE II: Now is actually a threat; dealing medium damage and inflicting Weakened for 6 seconds. 50% more books also fall.
  • Twirling Saw II: The staff increases its RPM by 25%, dealing 33% more damage over the duration of this attack. Additionally, Derpii can use this attack to leech life equal to 75% of the damage dealt and heal herself for that amount.
  • Kinetic Ward II: Derpii can set up 20 charges of Kinetic Ward, and while at least 12 charges remain, she has a 15% chance to mitigate damage completely from an attack that would deal over 50 HP of damage. Doing so will consume a charge of Kinetic Ward, on top of the existing 100 HP damage threshold that is always in effect.
  • Slow Time II & Mass Mind Control II: Derpii can now inflict the effects of this attack on all players battling her, albeit having the debuffs last for half their original duration:
  • Subduing Strike II: Derpii can now hit up to 8 targets with this attack due to the increased size of her staff, as well as inflicting Slowed for 9 seconds on hit.

Final Attack


Derpii reading her book.

At 0 HP, Derpii pulls out a yellow book labeled "Revolution Tactics Throughout History." She thumbs through the book for a few seconds before tearing out a page, which promptly materializes into a lore item that can be collected by players after the battle. Derpii then thumbs her glasses and raises her giant staff into the air, vanishing into IE Energy with a final message.

What this lore item is about varies, but it will always concern some revolution that occurred during the Old Era between the soon-to-be Imperials and the Sons of Panzer.




  • Decided to roll Derpii's entry out ASAP, since it's been in the planning stages for too long.
  • The "Ultra Crown" form in Phase 2 is obviously a spoof of the stupid "Super Crown" stuff that went around with the anthropomorphism and waifuization of Mario characters a while back.
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