Sassafrexen's note: Sassaprophet's page was translated from Vilcish to the best of Derpii's ability because SOMEONE got into the Blarney archive files and messed with the log entries. Due to file corruption, this is the version on display, so my apologies if there are some portions that have yet to be restored from that buffoon's edits. We're still rooting out all the junk he put in, so bear with us, for our and the Lord's sake..

Señor Sassaprophet is the eighth Subordinate of Lord Sassafras, and might just be the only Hesperian who is disliked by almost everyone because he is without dispute the most annoying thing bar none in the EToD universe, even by Hesperian standards. He's also Vilcish (the in-universe name for Spanish.) Idea por Diepmon, Y ES UN FIESTA!


Sassaprophet's origins partially explain his irritating nature:
"...the Imperials were raiding the Tower of Gladii, when a Hesperian entered the wrong coordinates to teleport into the Realm and ended up somewhere in Archie's room. Needless to say, he was a Sassafras Minion, and when the Archprophet was charging up a Fireball Storm during one of his monolith attacks, the Minion got zapped, and by releasing some IE Energy, was hurled into the Archprophet, thus absorbing some of his dark essence. When we recovered the unfortunate Minion, he had transformed into what he is now, and coincidentally his name was Sassaprophet."
- Sassafrexen, Guide to the Hesperian League, Revision XXVII

How Sassaprophet got onto the High Council is a mystery to all, and even the mighty Lord Sassafras has no clue why Sassaprophet was appointed in the first place. Sassafrexen believes that Lord Sassafras may have done so on a whim, and due to a poorly-worded clause in the Hesperian constitution (courtesy of a drowsy Hesperian transcriber), Lord Sassafras's actions can't be undone by anyone, not even Lord Sassafras. Thus, Sassaprophet can't be removed because it was apparently by order of Lord Sassafras that he be given his current position as the Eighth Subordinate, and that order cannot be revoked for another ten thousand years from the action of such. The current solution for now, while the immortal Hesperians wait out the next seven thousand or so years, is to limit the bumbling Sassaprophet's responsibilities that he is so woefully inept at doing and proficient at neglecting. Most of these, including the overseeing of the IE Energy Reserves, are technically still under the category of Sassaprophet, but in most cases, they've been moved away from Sassaprophet. Sassaprophet now wanders around Hesperia each and every day, spreading "joy" and "happiness" by the best translations that most Hesperians can muster for Sassaprophet's heavily accented Vilcish babbling.


To call Sassaprophet a twin of the Archprophet would be a gigantic mistake - not only is He Who Laughs in the Tower vastly superior in apparent usefulness and intellect, his counterpart only looks vaguely like him. A Hesperian tan body the same size as Archie, a darker brown skull-esque mask that is barely hanging on, a crooked mustache poking through said mask, one or both eyes twitching, and two lightly rainbow-colored maracas characterize this buffoon for who he is. Not to mention his gigantic sombrero with a crystal on it, which is almost identical to the one on the Archprophet's crown.


Sassaprophet is the first boss of Lord Sassafras's Palace, a gamemode featuring (who else?) Lord Sassafras at the very end. He uses Health Scaling based on the number of players like Lord Sassafras. (The second boss is War Machine IV.)

When all players have entered Sassaprophet's room, he is nowhere to be seen. After about 15 seconds, some debris is observed to be falling from the ceiling. After another 7 seconds, Sassaprophet comes crashing down, creating a racket with his broken guitar. He then greets the players in Vilcish, but instead of attacking, begins to dance like crazy, starting Phase 1.

Phase 1 (¡Bailar, Bailar, Sassaprophet!)

In Phase 1, Sassaprophet dances around randomly in the room, which is a 35x35 grid of squares flashing between a light brown and light yellow pattern. Mariachi music comes on, and players must move in the cardinal directions (up, down, left, and right) using the arrow keys or WASD in time with the flashing pattern on the floor, which in turn is in time with the beat of the music. Failure to follow these patterns will result in players being inflicted with Stunned and Spiced for 2 beats. The music track may change to other non-mariachi tracks after the first minute, but the first track will always be mariachi.

Meanwhile, Sassaprophet, who has a 3x3 hitbox (3 tiles wide, 3 high) dances around, moving 1 or two tiles to the beat in random directions. He is also constantly shaking his maracas, which doesn't really do anything but add serendipity to the scene. Players who are melee can damage Sassaprophet if they are within two tiles of him, but by doing that they run the risk of being jumped on by Sassaprophet, which always deals a rather forgiving 35 HP of body damage (due to the number of times players are likely to get jumped on.) Those who are primarily ranged or drone users will automatically have their primary weapon(s) facing toward Sassaprophet so that they can focus on moving.

Phase 2 (Los Bailas de Vilceria)

In Phase 2 at 75% health, Sassaprophet stops dancing randomly and follows one of the dance patterns outlined below as a means of attack, switching around every so often (45-90 seconds.) The music will change accordingly to the genre of dance it accompanies.


Seis Sassafras vienen y comienzan a bailar con Sassaprophet, ¡el diablo guapo! Ellos line up behind him, following him as he dances around the room moving 1 tile at a time in the cardinal directions. The Sassafras spam their ammunition all over the place, making it a bullet hell as Sassaprophet heads up the conga line. Sassafras take up a 2x2 area. If Sassaprophet changes his dancing style, the Sassafras will disperse from the line and start dancing on their own, often without regard for Sassaprophet's new or current style. If a Sassafras is destroyed, the others will keep position and follow Sassaprophet's movements.


Sassaprophet clones himself into two smaller clones of himself that take up a 2x2 area each. The Sassaprophets dance the tango, moving around a 4x4 centered area in the middle of the room. When either Sassaprophet bends back, the other will tip its hat, releasing a blinding flash of IE Energy that inflicts Blinded and one other random damaging debuff for 3 seconds on all players. Each Sassaprophet, when damaged will contribute to the overall healthbar, but both have 50% damage reduction. When this segment ends, Sassaprophet recombines and continues if the next dance only requires one of him.


Sassaprophet clones himself (if there aren't already two of him) and starts dancing on the spot. He teleports randomly (except on top of players) every 2, 5, and 8 beats, repeating on the 10th.


Sassaprophet wobbles his body back and forth on the spot, shaking his maracas to one side and the other every 3 beats. Every 8 beats, he jumps one tile at a time in random directions for 3 beats. Every 16 beats, he tosses one of his maracas into the air, inflicting low damage on all players in a 10x10 square centered on the maraca's impact point when it lands back on the floor.


Sassaprophet jumps to a pattern of "two, three, cha-cha-cha," followed by a "two, three, cha-cha, one" and repeating the same pattern over and over He moves in either a horizontal or vertical direction for each segment, with the omitted "one" in between these two patterns being a pause. Sassaprophet jumps one tile per beat, so it will always be 5 tiles before changing direction, and every 10 beats a pause.


Sassaprophet moves in a 5x5 square pattern (with the outline of the square being traced by the center of his 3x3 hitbox) and alternating between spinning clockwise or counterclockwise on the spot on each corner. With each spin, Sassaprophet shakes his maracas, releasing an explosion of 6-10 small tan Thorn Mines that scatter towards nearby players.

(Cuban) Rumba

Sassaprophet follows one of two behaviors in this phase:

  • He moves 1 tile on the 1st beat, another on the 4th beat, and so on for the 8th, 10th, and 12th beats, with the pattern repeating on the 16th beat. The direction that Sassaprophet will move is random.
  • He moves 2 tiles on the 1st, 3rd, 6th, 8th, and 10th beats in random directions, with the pattern repeating on the 13th beat.

Between beats, Sassaprophet remains stationary, shaking his maracas and smashing the ground around him randomly, dealing medium-high damage and inflicting Stunned for 3 seconds on players hit.

Phase 3 (¡ATACAR!)

In Phase 3 at 35% health, Sassaprophet finally stops dancing, but the floor remains flashy. He starts using absurdly stupid attacks with equally obnoxious effects, outlined below. This is when "Sassaprophet's Sixth," a partial rendition of Beethoven's Fifth Symphony's first movement with mariachi instruments, starts playing on loop as Sassaprophet's true theme. Before each attack, Sassaprophet shakes his maracas vigorously for 2 seconds.


  • Vendaval De Bolas De Fuego: Sassaprophet puts his arms out to the side as 18 fireballs appear, one at a time, on each of his hands. He then starts dancing and juggling the fireballs, but trips and sends all 36 fireballs flying in random directions. The fireballs inflict medium damage and Burning for 3 seconds on impact.
  • Cadena De Rayos: Sassaprophet raises both maracas upwards as a Sassafras Minion is reeled down from the ceiling, clutching a lightning rod. The room momentarily loses power as a Hesperian lightning machine zaps Sassaprophet, dealing 500 damage to him and hitting all players in the room for low damage and Paralyzed for 3 seconds.
  • Esfera De Fuerza: Sassaprophet summons a tan force field around him that destroys all bullets on impact. Sixteen Tier 2 Legionnaires drop down from the ceiling. Unfortunately for Sassaprophet, his shield fails all of a sudden 20-25 seconds in.
  • Danza Maraca: Sassaprophet shakes one maraca rapidly as he manifests 10 more around him with IE Energy. They start shaking in midair and smack the floor, dealing high damage to players hit.
  • Armagedón: Sassaprophet raises his maracas, but instead of performing the Archprophet's Armageddon attack, he falls backwards in the process, releasing a dense spray of 50-70 lasers that travel in every which direction and bounce of the walls once. These lasers deal low damage.
  • Infiernoteletransportarse: Sassaprophet starts dancing the waltz, flickering in and out of invisibility. Each second, there is a 20% chance that Sassaprophet will teleport somewhere else in the room.
  • Huelga Del Destino: Sassaprophet pulls out a worse-for-wear wooden sword with nails stuck haphazardly into it in some places. A Sassafras Minion teleports in, sets the sword on fire, and disappears. Sassaprophet then looks at the sword, and grabbing it with both hands, spins and tosses it into the wall in a random direction, dealing extremely high damage in the process and inflicting Polymorphed. He then pulls out his maracas, merges them into a bigger one, and starts using it as a club, swiping it back and forth for 15 seconds.
  • Rayo De Sombrero: IE Energy condenses around Sassaprophet's hat crystal, before firing off a dense laser beam that sweeps in a 190-degree arc from left to right. It deals high damage and ticks damage every 0.5 seconds that players are in contact with it.
  • Estrellar El Cielo: Sassaprophet starts to jump up and down, as explosions begin to appear in random areas around him, ranging in size from 1x1 to 5x5. These explosions deal damage scaled to their size. Lasts for 10 seconds.
  • Se Ríe En: Sassaprophet starts giggling uncontrollably, vomiting out random ammunition and the occasional Sassafras Minion at varying speeds. Lasts for 8 seconds.

Phase 4 (El Último Perdura de Sassaprophet)

In Phase 4 at 7% health, Sassaprophet enters a last stand that is somewhat similar to his more competent counterpart's Last Hurrah, but has much denser bullet patterns that are less forgiving if touched (at the cost of huge holes in the patterns that can be easily reached. Seriously, can't this guy do anything right?) His ending also differs greatly.

First 30 Seconds

The music stops and Sassaprophet jumps to the middle of the room, shaking his maracas faster and faster as he starts spinning around and dancing faster and faster, becoming Invincible as he does so. Twelve composite Vulcan cannons (Vulcans with Vulcan cannon barrels for a total of 64 barrels on each Vulcan that fire tiny bullets) are reeled down from the ceiling and begin the bullet spray. The room goes completely dark, aside from spotlights that shine down on players and Sassaprophet. Players can barely see the bullet patterns that spray just to the left and right of them, moving very slowly clockwise. 10 seconds in, Sassaprophet throws one of his maracas up into the air, causing the bullet spray to reverse its rotation and start moving clockwise. This occurs again at 20 seconds.

30-60 Seconds

At 30 seconds, Sassaprophet tosses his hat into the air, causing the Vulcan assembly to target the hat and fire upon itself, destroying it. Sassaprophet then looks confused, as the hat spontaneously doubles in size and smothers Sassaprophet underneath it. Players have ~25 seconds to deal as much damage as they can to Sassaprophet before he succeeds in recovering. If Sassaprophet is defeated, then the battle ends here and the gamemode continues. If not, then the next phase activates.

60-90 Seconds

At 60 seconds, Sassaprophet finally manages to escape from his oversized sombrero, shaking his maracas with glee as he does. He pulls out his guitar and starts strumming it rapidly while true mariachi music comes on. Sassaprophet levitates into the air, goes Invincible, and starts radiating a dense, slow-moving spiral of bullets that steadily moves outward. This spiral has noticeably large holes that players can move through. The bullets themselves deal extremely high damage on contact with just one, so beware...


During this phase, Sassaprophet starts steadily growing in size while dancing around, with his outgoing damage and incoming damage being respectively increased and decreased in proportion to his current size in comparison to his initial. He grows 1% in size every second. After 100 seconds, Sassaprophet will have doubled in size, takes half of the normal damage he would, and deals twice the amount of damage as usual. Eventually, if not defeated in time, Sassaprophet will become nigh-invincible and eventually hit the walls of the room, causing players to have to go into the corners. To counter this, switch all weapons to maximum firepower (as many ammunition hits as possible) as each individual hit will be rounded up to 1, regardless of actual damage. If all players die, Sassaprophet can be seen deflating like a balloon and dancing with his eyes twitching all over the place at normal size as the screen fades to black.


  • The dance portion of Sassaprophet's battle was inspired by some of the game mechanics of Crypt of the Necrodancer.
  • Sassaprophet is also known as "He Who Towers in the Laughs," being a backwards version of "He Who Laughs in the Tower" despite Sassaprophet living in a bright and shiny villa and not a dark tower.
  • Portions of the page are written in Spanish on purpose, as Sassaprophet "vandalized" it by doing a complete translation that Derpii and Sassafrexen are still trying to revert. However, some parts spontaneously re-translate themselves into Spanish, due to IE Energy interference.
  • The fact that some of his attacks need (often faulty) external assistance to perform just goes to show how inept Sassaprophet is. They're also based on those of the Archprophets', although as humorous imitations that usually fail at being very effective.
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